Back and There Again
by Stopruiningtheplot
Summary: This is my prediction of how the third hobbit film "There and Back Again" will play out. It's a bit cynical, but aren't most parodies? It also makes references to the Silmarillion and Lord of the Rings. Any way I hope you enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

Legolas was chasing Bolg on horseback, angry as ever that someone made him bleed his own blood. It completely tarnished his perfectly clean and unbeatable-in-battle persona that was so prominently shown in those films that he hadn't technically been in yet. There was something hitting his back. That's when he remembered he had his bow with him! Whispering to the horse in elvish to put in on cruise control, he reached back and pulled out his bow and knocked it with an arrow. This was going to be a cakewalk compared to the daring CGI acrobatics he did when chasing the barrels. He shot one arrow after another at the pale orc until it finally fell from the saddle of its warg. The warg ran off into the forest on the other side of the bridge as Bolg slipped off of the bridge into the freezing cold lake. Served him right. He turned his CGI horse around and rode back into Laketown to find out where in Eru's name she was that was more important than killing orcs.

* * *

Tauriel was pondering over whether she should run back to the woodland realm before the dragon showed up or to stay behind with the dwarves and children. Forsaking her friends in times of need seemed to be right up her alley at the moment, so she decided to stay. She hoped Legolas was ok. He probably was. He never got a scratch. If he did, whoever gave it to him would be dead before they even realized what they had done. Besides, she didn't really want to go back home, especially after Thranduil had embarrassed her and discriminated against her race. She found poetic justice in her falling for a dwarf instead of Legolas. It would be the icing on top of a lovely cake of racial Middle Earth minorities.

During her pondering, she hadn't heard the boy re-enter the demolished house.

"They've taken my father prisoner and the Dragon is coming!" he said anxiously, looking to Tauriel for assistance. She only shrugged.

"Hey, I'm not technically supposed to be here. And I've been cooped up in Mirkwood for so long I don't even know what this town is called."

"Where's the black arrow?" Fili asked

"I hid it in a boat under some nets!" the boy replied.

"Well that was dumb," Bofur grumbled, "do remember which boat it was?"

"Erm, no," the boy said sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck.

Tauriel rolled her eyes. "I'll go find it. You dwarves go release the boy's father. What exactly am I looking for?"

"It's this giant black arrow that's supposed to be used from a dwarvish wind lance," said the boy. "I put it in a boat near a giant statue of the master. You'll know it when you see it."

Tauriel nodded and ran out of the decrepit house leaping effortlessly from boat to boat. The wind began to pick up and she heard a roar in the distance. She quickened her pace.

Meanwhile, the dwarves followed the boy Bain to the dungeons, where ironically again the guards had fallen asleep from drinking too much. Bard was pressed against the bars, anxiously looking at the sky.

"Da!" said Bain as he rushed toward his father.

"Why Da?" Bofur whispered to Fili. Fili only shrugged. Oin ran over to the drunk guards and nabbed the keys off of them. He tinkered with each one until the door clicked open.

"Where's the arrow?" Bard said as he gripped his son's shoulder

"We sent a ginger elf to go get it!" Fili said reassuringly.

Bard's face looked more terrified than it had yet. "A _ginger_? We're doomed!"

* * *

Gandalf swung in his cage, desperately wishing that this place wasn't so desolate. Otherwise, he'd have found a butterfly to call the eagles again. The orcs were marching for Erebor, making Gandalf wonder if the battle of Dol Guldur was actually going to take place during the battle of five armies which also made him wonder what exactly was happening in the East. From what Manwe had told him Valinor, he'd thought that things would be going much differently.

Suddenly there was a loud knocking echoing throughout the fortress. Sauron answered in a hissy voice "Whoooooo'ssss theeerrrrree?"

"It is I, Galadriel!"

Gandalf's heart leapt for joy. So his incompetent cousin had actually done as he was told!

"You willllllll dieeeee she elffffffff."

"I don't think so. Remember that one time when that other she-elf that I can't name because of copyright issues and her dog came and whooped your sorry flaming butt? Yeah, that's going to happen again."

Gandalf raised an eyebrow. He never knew Galadriel could be so sassy.

"I'm going to count to three, and so help me, you better make like one of these decrepit trees and leave! ONE…"

"Are youuuuu jokinnnnggg?"

"Two…"

"Seriously, you expect me to believe…"

"Three!" Galadriel snapped her fingers and Sauron was gone. Gandalf supposed it was because being beaten by a woman twice was not good for the Dark Lord's reputation. Galadriel slowly walked over to where Gandalf was hanging, since she only had one speed at which she did everything, and set him free.

"I did not know you had such a power over him milady," Gandalf said with a bow.

"It is because I know how to make all creatures feel uncomfortable," she replied as she moved a piece of Gandalf's hair back behind his ear. He gulped and turned the other way. She was right about that most definitely.

* * *

At this point, everyone has probably forgotten that this is _my_ story. Well guess what, IT IS! It's called the bloody Hobbit! Sure, it seems like I'm just telling Thorin's story, especially because of the prologue in the first film, but it's not! Or at least, it shouldn't be…

Anyway, I watched in horror as Smaug flew off toward Laketown. He only hoped that Bard would warn the people before it was too late. That man seemed to have a sixth sense for bad things.

I was soon joined by Thorin and the rest of our company, who had managed to follow me somehow by avoiding the molten gold on the floor. Thorin sniffed.

"Well, there's nothing we can do now but wait."

"What?" I said incredulously, "Wait?! We have to help them! They won't stand a chance, especially if they don't know that there actually _is_ a weak spot on Smaug!"

"How do you propose we warn them Master Baggins?" Thorin said condescendingly. I was so sick of that. Hadn't I proved myself to be a worthy member of the company? This guy was ridiculous!

"What about the thrush?" Balin chimed in. "I still know how to speak to them!"

"Yes, but what are the odds of that fitting into a Lord of the Rings prequel? It's too ridiculous," Thorin said dismissively.

"That's actually not as ridiculous as that stunt Bombur pulled in the barrels!" I complained, but I was ignored.

"They have their legend about the dragon's hide, that'll be enough."

"You're also forgetting that four of our company are STILL IN LAKETOWN!" I yelled, smacking my forehead. The dwarves muttered anxiously.

"Well, that's a bad twist of luck," Balin sighed.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Tauriel had found her way to the center of Laketown where a giant green screen was set up. She blinked and there appeared a giant statue of the Master. Not questioning the last minute add-in effect, she started hurriedly searching the boats. She expected to be interrupted, especially because of the excessive security that she heard the dwarves grumbling about, but no one came. She found it odd that no one had noticed the orcs either. If they had, maybe they'd be a bit more prepared to deal with the Dragon. But no, everyone was in their warm wooden houses that were soon to become much, much too warm.

She finally found the boat that held the Black Arrow, and yanking it free of the netting around it, raced back to the dwarves. On her way, she dead orcs littered around the docks. Peaking her interest, she followed the trail, knowing that it was made by Legolas. When it ended and he wasn't there, she initially grew worried, but then she saw a tiny drip of blood on the ground.

"Well Eru knows where he is now," she mumbled. He was probably off chasing and killing the orc that did this. Another roar echoed through the sky, much louder than previously, making Tauriel jump as she raced back the way she came. What was a dwarvish wind lance? Stopping mid stride, she pondered how she would even find it. Climbing up onto a roof, she looked out over the town, spotting the dragon only a mile away. Pulse racing, she desperately searched for the thingy, finding it only because she heard her name being called from the roof next to her.

"TAURIEL! BRING US THE ARROW!" Fili called, standing next to a strange white contraption. Must have been the thingy. She leaped over to the next roof top and gave it to the man standing at the ready. He had a large bump on his forehead, making Tauriel wonder if he was actually qualified to do this. It was then that the Dragon descended upon the town, belching dragon fire. People started screaming and jumping into the freezing lake.

"Give me the Arrow!" the man said impatiently. Tauriel obliged and handed it to him. He knocked the wind lance and started to try and aim at the Dragon who was circling around to strike again. Tauriel began to wonder how exactly he was planning on hitting the Dragon. It was too dark for the man to see and the Dragon would probably eat or burn all of them before he'd expose his weak spot to the only weapon that could kill it.

"Are you sure _you_ want to shoot it?"

The dwarves and the men looked at her as if she had just committed treason.

"I have to," said Bard, barely containing his rage.

"Well I think you're going to miss, and since that's our only arrow, I think you should let someone who isn't concussed and has much better eye sight give it a go."

"Absolutely not!" Bard boomed, angrily lining up the arrow and shooting it, completely missing the dragon and landing with a sploosh into the lake. Everyone cried out in exasperation.

"See! I told you so!" Tauriel said angrily

" You were totally distracting him!" Fili said pulling on his barely grown in beard

"Shouldn't you be looking after Kili? Did you three just leave him there?" she said suddenly aware that the just about beardless dwarf was nowhere to be seen.

Fili looked at his companions for a brief moment before all three of them rushed down off the roof and back to Bard's house.

"Now what are we going to do?" Bain said despondently as Smaug continued to throw a psychotic fit.

"I've got an idea." Everyone whipped around to see Legolas standing on the rooftop.

"Legolas!" Tauriel gasped

The elf only glared at her and flipped his hair over his shoulder dismissively. Tauriel knew he was mad that she had completely abandoned him and that it was a really mean thing to do, especially after she had manipulated his feelings so that he would help her.

"What is it, Master Elf?" Bard said, either red from anger or from embarrassment.

"Let me see that wind lance…"

* * *

Smaug didn't want to admit it, but he actually was pretty fat and slow. What else should he expect after sleeping for a hundred years? However the stupid Lake-men didn't know that. He was immensely enjoying killing them after he frustratingly found that he could not injure the dwarves. If he had talked to any of the other villains in the story so far, they'd find that they had run into a very similar issue. He was about to go and chase the people trying to escape when he heard the blaring of the "Woodland Realm" theme and was hit by something. He looked around to see a blonde elf sitting on his back.

"Who…" but before he could finish, the elf ran down his back, drawing a knife as he swung himself onto Smaug's hind leg. Smaug shook his foot, trying to get the elf off, but to no avail. Swinging off of Smaug's big toe, Legolas lunged forward and dug his knife into Smaug's weak spot.

With a roar, the dragon began to fall toward the lake. Using his scales as footholds, Legolas climbed back onto the Dragon's back. See that Smaug was going to nosedive into the freezing water, the elf ran toward the tale. As the dragon made impact on the Master's house, Legolas balanced himself on the tail of the beast as it brought half the town down into the lake with it. Legolas slid off the tail like he was surfing and landed on his two feet in one of the boats. He hopped from one to another until he reached Tauriel and the men, who were now joined by four dwarves. They all stared at him with their jaws hanging.

"Piece of Lembas," he said smugly as he began to walk back home.

* * *

All I could see was the burning lake. Thorin had ordered that no one was allowed to leave, but nobody was really listening to him at this point. We all were sick of him leading us into more trouble than we needed to be in. If he'd just let me come back up with the Arkenstone, then there wouldn't have been that whole fiasco where we tried to kill him! I mean I saw the weak spot! There was that wind lance, and I'm pretty sure that that also means there is at least one Black Arrow left in Laketown. I shook my head, trying to shake my frustrations away. The only positive thing that came from this whole endeavor was that Thorin wasn't thinking about the Arkenstone at this time, so I wouldn't have to give it to him. I wondered where Gandalf was right now. He would be able to slap some sense into Thorin!

It was then that we heard a roar louder than all the rest and a loud crashing noise.

"It sounds like he just died!" Balin said excitedly

"You know what a dying dragon sounds like?" I asked, but like usual, I was ignored.

"We must rebuild the gate then!" Thorin said excitedly

"Why?"Dwalin asked, cracking his knuckles.

"So that we can keep everyone else out! They'll all be coming for the gold, and we have to defend it!"

"But you promised the people of Laketown some of it! And they're going to need it now more than ever!" I argued, but Thorin didn't respond. He knew I was right, they all did, but I guess my voice has been so greatly diminished in my own story that what I say doesn't even move the plot along anymore! "Fine! Rebuild your gates and lock yourselves in that mountain! Have fun cleaning up after Smaug! I wouldn't want to know what Dragon dung looks like." I marched off, not looking back.

"Where are you going, Bilbo?" Balin called after him

"To do something on my own WITHOUT dwarves sticking their shamefully short beards in my story!"


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"We should probably head back to the mountain," Fili decided after everyone snapped out of their Legolas-induced shock.

"How do we know that they're still alive?" Bofur asked

With a look that would remind one of a certain exiled heir of Isildur, Kili turned to him and said, "What does your heart tell you?"

Tauriel wasn't even technically a real character, but even she knew this lame attempt to be profound was a way of tying this trilogy to the one that came before it. Before she could call him out on it, Tauriel heard an astonished yelp come from nearby. She and the dwarves ran toward the noise, which came from the land near the river. It was then that Tauriel remarked just how difficult it was to get to this town without a boat. She'd have thought that it would be closer to the forest. In fact, she began to wonder how she and Legolas even got to Laketown on foot, much less how the orcs arrived with wargs. The sound of angry elvish snapped her out of her reverie as she found herself on dry land, along with the rest of the refugees from Laketown. There, in battle armor, was King Thranduil himself, twisting his sons ear and scolding him for running off.

"It was Tauriel I was chasing after! She's such a tease, I couldn't help myself!" Thranduil finally let go of his son's ear and turned to see Tauriel standing amongst the dwarves. His icy blue contacts glared at her then widened in disbelief.

"What are YOU doing with THEM?" he hissed, barely able to contain his rage.

"I kind of was mad at you for treating me like dirt, so I went off and helped the dwarves in an act to deliberately disobey you. But it's ok because it was the right thing to do!"

"The right thing? What you judge to be right and what is actually right are two different things." The King sighed and shook his head. There was no point in arguing against a love triangle. If he did, then the wrath of teen girl audiences everywhere would fall upon him. That wouldn't stop him from disapproving of it though. "The men of the lake need our help now. I came out here myself because although it's been seen otherwise, I'm not actually a horrible person. Or a horrible father. If you heard that your son ran off to a town that was being desolated by a dragon, wouldn't you have gone to see if he was ok?"

"Well I'm fine, no thanks to you. I just killed the dragon!"

"No, not possible." Thranduil said dismissively

"What do you mean? Of course I did! Have you seen the stuff I can do?" Legolas said indignantly stamping his foot.

"Yes I have, but none of you would be so bold as to deviate that far from the source material. Where is Bard? Descendant of Girion, _King_ of Dale?"

"I'm right here. Thank you for acknowledging my title, King Thranduil."

"Since _you _slew the dragon, I take it that a certain arrogant dwarf King would seem to be indebted to you. I offer you my help. And unlike before, I actually mean it."

"Well this is a fortunate turn of events for our democratic revolutionary movement," Bard commented to his son, who nodded his head emphatically. "I'm pretty sure the master is dead because Smaug fell on his house, so there's no one to disobey me." Bard then turned to the people of Esgaroth who looked at him with sorrowful eyes. "People of Laketown! Descendants of the people of Dale, I am Bard, descendant of Girion, King of Dale, not the loser who couldn't kill the dragon, but a KING! If anyone is to be compared to Aragorn in this trilogy, it should be me, not Thorin!" At that the people looked around at each other with confused faces, but he continued. "I warned a certain dwarf King not to go to the mountain Erebor under consequence of dragon fire and ruin, and I was right! Now it's time for the King under the Mountain to keep his promise to us! With our constant allies, the Elves of the Woodland Realm, at our side, there is no way or reason for him to refuse us!" The people cheered as Bard and Thranduil shook hands, and with whatever able bodied men he could find, Bard, the Elf king, and their respective armies marched for Erebor.

This left the dwarves in a bit of a sticky situation. Tauriel now in no position to argue for their safety, the companions of Thorin either could try and outrun the army or they could ride along with them.

"What should we do?" Kili asked

"I say we go with them. Thorin should be reasonable," Fili suggested.

"Unless he goes crazy, like it's been foreshadowed throughout our journey thus far," Oin said nervously.

"What makes you think you have a choice?" said Legolas as he, Tauriel, and a few other elves surrounded them. "You are our prisoners, regardless of what the past events have lead you to believe. You will stay with us and be used as bargaining tools if need be." With an unpleasant shove, the dwarves were forced to travel with the elves. Kili looked at Tauriel pleadingly, but she only smirked at him in response. Whose side was she on?

* * *

Thorin looked down from the mountain. Bilbo had been gone for an entire day, and he still didn't know if the burglar had the Arkenstone or not. "Burglar indeed," he mumbled to himself, his stomach growling. There was no food in the mountain, and as much as he would have liked to have eaten gold, that just wasn't a physical possibility. Suddenly Balin came running up to him, worry plastered onto his white bearded face.

"There's an army marshaled before us!"

"What?" Thorin leaped up from the pile of gold he was sitting on and slid down off of it. "Orcs? Goblins?"

"No, men and elves! There are two messengers at the front gate, one of them is Bard, and the other is that jerk who captured/saved us in Mirkwood."

"He stole my sword!" Thorin remembered aloud.

"They say that they're holding Fili, Kili, Oin, and Bofur captive until you meet their demands."

"If they want my gold, forget it. I worked way too hard to get it to share."

Balin gawked at him. "But you promised some to the people of Laketown!"

"I also promised Bilbo one-fourteenth's share of the treasure, but we all knew THAT was never going to happen."

"But we were the reason their homes were burned to the ground! At least we should pay for the damages…"

"I'd be willing to do that if the elves weren't with them. Tell Bard and the blonde that we won't cooperate until the elves bugger off."

Balin sighed, but left to go tell them. He only hoped that the dwarves wouldn't be harmed.

* * *

I walked up to a fire, welcome to the warmth. I'd been wearing the ring the whole time because I wasn't sure how the elves would react to seeing a hobbit. I then thought that that was quite ridiculous, because no one (apart from Smaug) had remarked that I was different at all up until this point. I guess the dwarves were so beardless that even I could pass as one of them.

I pulled off my ring and stepped into the firelight. The elves all jumped up in fright and point their bows at him.

"Who are you?" one of them asked

"Bilbo Baggins of the Shire. I'm a hobbit, and one of Thorin Oakenshield's companions. Well at least I used to be. I just left. But from the looks of it you're having some trouble bargaining with him. I could help you with that." The elves quickly whispered to each other before taking me to where Bard and the Elf King were sitting. Not too far off I saw Kili, Fili, Oin, and Bofur huddled around a campfire. When they saw me they started to cheer. I waved half-heartedly. I couldn't believe Thorin would rather hold onto his racist ways and continue his grudge match with Thranduil than give a tiny portion of the treasure away to save his kin. I had been watching the whole thing, having not really any idea where else to go.

"Master Baggins, to what do we owe the pleasure?" Bard said. Before I could respond, the Elf King interjected.

"You say that you are a companion of Thorin's, yet you were not captured by the guards. I suspect then it was you who helped them escape. How?" Thranduil's eyes gleamed with curiosity rather than rage, so I told half the truth.

"I'm not sure how much you know about Hobbits, King Thranduil…"

"Nothing."

"Well then, you should know that we are undetectable by most and are quite good at sneaking. My feet barely make a sound. You almost caught me once! But I sneaked away."

"So you were sent to find the Arkenstone. Oakenshield must have believed you wouldn't wake it." Thranduil said raising an eyebrow.

"Yes, well that's quite hard to do when you're walking on gold. But it doesn't matter. I'm here to strike a bargain. What I have to give in turn for the safe return of the dwarves."

"Out of the question," Bard said, "that's our only leverage!"

"I think that it's already been established what Thorin values more at the moment," I said, looking apologetically at the dwarves. They didn't look hurt. They knew Thorin was probably crazy at this point. They were going to hate me after this though. I pulled out the shining white jewel.

There was a collective gasp as the jewel was held out in front of everyone.

"Bilbo you can't!" Fili cried.

" You know the importance it has to Thorin and to all dwarves!" Bofur joined in.

"Yes I know, but I don't really have a choice at this point. But of course this will just make me look stupid and evil because I'm going against almighty Thorin," I said bitterly. Bard seemed to like me though, maybe because I was the only one who cared to learn his name, and he stood up and took the stone from me.

"In time, all things will be as they should. If Thorin agrees to help us, then his stone will be restored." Bard looked at Thranduil expectantly. The King had no desire to give the Arkenstone back, but if he had his way, then he'd have white gems of his own.

"Fine! You have my word. Thorin will have his stone if he agrees to our demands."

I bowed my thanks and started gathering the dwarves to leave when Bard called my name.

"You don't have to go back there. If you stay here, you can have your own story, just like you always wanted! Thorin will not be kind to you for doing this."

"Thank you Bard, but this whole thing is my story, and it's about time I put Thorin in his place!" Bard smiled and nodded. I chuckled as I walked away, thinking of a nice little tagline; If Thorin and the dwarves took back their homeland, then I will take back my story!


	4. Chapter 4

**Reviews are much appreciated!**

Chapter 4

Balin saw me coming back with his companions, and he leaped with joy

"Bilbo! Bless me you've come back! And you've rescued our companions"

"Yes," I said solemnly, "but the price was a steep one. I should hope though that all things will be amended, in time." I told him about giving Bard the Arkenstone and Balin almost had a heart attack.

"YOU DID WHAT?"

"It's the only way to get Thorin to see reason!"

"And it will also give Thorin a reason to cut off your head! You shouldn't have come back!"

I stared at him, perplexed, and put my hands on my hips so I wouldn't punch him. "You do realize that the only reason that Thorin Oakenshield is even here is because of me. Who saved his life prematurely from that warg? Who saved him from the spiders? Who got him out of Mirkwood? Who found the way into the mountain? ME! But do I get any credit? NO, because everyone has forgotten that this story is about me, first and foremost. It's my adventure! The only reason people even know about it is because I'm telling it!" My voice had risen to yelling at this point, and Balin looked quite taken aback by it. I felt bad. I actually liked Balin. He didn't deserve this. But because I was yelling, Thorin had heard and now appeared behind Balin, along with the rest of the dwarves.

"Welcome back Master Baggins. It seems that you have been taking your role as burglar more seriously as of late. You've stolen my dwarves, my Arkenstone, and now it appears you're trying to steal my story," Thorin said crossing his arms proudly.

That. Was. It.

With a yell I lunged at Thorin, taking him by surprise and tackling him to the ground. We rolled down across the now hardened molten gold in the throne room and I threw my best punches at him. Being a hobbit, and a rather docile one at that, I wasn't very good at fighting, and the element of surprise was gone, so Thorin was able to easily grab my fist, role me over, and pin me.

"Great," I mumbled, "now people are _really_ going to talk."

"Where's the Arkenstone?" he boomed. I only shrugged. He was about to punch me when we heard an elven horn being blown from outside the mountain. Thorin looked at me with new hatred. "You gave it to _THEM_?!"

"Yes, because you have literally gone crazy! Thorin, you're literally eating the gold you're so obsessed with it!"

"I am not…"

"I CAN SEE IT IN YOUR TEETH! Just give them what they want and you can have the Arkenstone back. Otherwise, they'll take Erebor by force!"

Thorin rolled off of me and ran to the front gate and started swearing at all of the men and elves gathered there in dwarvish. He was going to ruin everything! The other dwarves were so mindless they didn't even try to stop them. Dwalin, Thorin's right hand dwarf when it came to fluffing his feathers, started swearing at them with him! That was it. I didn't care who was watching, but I ran full speed and tackled Thorin again, this time knocking him so hard that we both started rolling down the front gate toward the men and elves.

* * *

Bard stared in amused horror as he saw little Bilbo Baggins rugby tackle Thorin to the ground. Thranduil and Legolas were snickering at the sight.

"Come now, King Thorin! Do not be so easily beaten by a Halfling!" Thranduil called, causing Thorin to look up suddenly, giving Bilbo the chance to hit him in the old family jewels. All the men visibly cringed. Bilbo got up and dusted his hands clean.

"Now get up and give them what they want!" he demanded

"I will do no such thing," he wheezed, "They have an army. They seem to be here to fight for my gold, not talk diplomatically." He slowly got up, and Bilbo's face was frozen in a look of disbelief. "Anyone who tries to take my gold by force against such uneven numbers is just as bad as me."

"We come to take what is rightfully owed, and not even you, Thorin Oakenshield, can deny us that." Bard motioned for the army to move forward when suddenly a bunny sled appeared out of practically nowhere.

"Stay this madness!" Gandalf boomed from beside Radagast. He hopped of the sled and Radagast went to go park. "Thorin I knew you'd screw this all up. Give them the money they are owed!"

"I answer to no one but myself now, wizard. I'm King under the Mountain, and I have the right to all the gold in it!"

"But you don't have the right," Thranduil said coolly, then held the Arkenstone in the air. "As of right now, I have control over all the dwarf kingdoms, and therefore, I have control over you."

Everyone gaped at the Elf King, not quite sure what he was going to say next. Gandalf glared at Thorin and Bilbo. How could they have come to blows again? And then he wondered how this whole mess about the Arkenstone had come into being. Why did it seem to have as much power as the ring?

Just because Gandalf thought about it, Bilbo's hand flew to his pocket. But conveniently no one noticed. The only thing that had known what Bilbo's ring was, Smaug, was dead.

"I command you, Thorin Oakenshield, to give the men of Esgaroth all the gold they need to rebuild their city and the same amount to Bard, King of Dale. To me, I ask that you return all things that belong to me."

"Like what?" Thorin snapped.

"My hairbrush, for starters. I let Thror borrow it once and he never gave it back. I want my chandelier I gave you as a house warming gift, I want that painting of the elk that I drew Thrain for his birthday, I want those white gems you rudely slammed in my face in the prologue of the first film…"

"And I want my mithril shirt back!" Legolas cut in.

Thranduil nodded, "Yes, that too. I spent a lot of money one that. Money that could have been used to buy the Silvan elves better clothes."

Now everyone gaped at the two elves because they couldn't believe how petty they were. But Gandalf only rolled his eyes and mumbled "Elves and their perfect looks…" under his breath.

"I don't even know where they are," Thorin said finally, "But you will have to take my gold by force," he growled as he looked for Orcrist to unsheathe, only to find Legolas waving it in the air.

"Looking for this? I'll give it back when I get my shirt!"

Thranduil leaned over to him and whispered, "You know, ion-nin, it probably doesn't fit you anymore."

"Yes but I still want it back! I might want to re-gift it someday."

The other dwarves had climbed down from the mountain now, all except Kili. This wasn't lost on Legolas, who then started to look around for Tauriel.

"You have got to be kidding me," he mumbled, finding she was nowhere to be seen.

"My answer is still no." Thorin said as he and the dwarves prepared to attack.

"Save me from the stubbornness of dwarves. Please tell me one of you sent word to Dain in the Iron Hills for back up?" Gandalf said, stepping between the bristling parties.

"Dain?" Thorin asked

"Yes! You're cousin! Balin, did you send a raven?"

"Erm, no, Thorin said it was too ridiculous for this film for there to be talking bird."

"I have to do everything myself. Radagast!" Gandalf called, and the crazy wizard showed up with somehow even more bird poop than ever; half his face was completely covered.

"Yes Gandalf!"

"Send word to the Iron Hills that war is coming to Erebor and that Thorin Oakenshield is in need of assistance."

"Yes Gandalf!" And with that, the crazy wizard jumped back onto his bunny sled and sped off.

"What do you mean war?" Bard asked, but before he could be answered, the howl of a pack of Wargs was heard. Everyone looked up to see the overhang where Thranduil had sat on his obscure hooved animal in the prologue of the first film was now filled with orcs, Azog in the lead.

"Ah, so Dol Guldur has been unleashed." Gandalf said, finally putting two and two together. "Where are the goblins I wonder? Perhaps still singing in the Misty Mountains. Ha! Perhaps singing the Misty Mountain Hop by Led Zeppelin!"

"Gandalf what are going to do?" Bilbo asked in a panic.

"Fight!" he said, unsheathing Glamdring and holding his staff in the air (which was conveniently no longer broken).

* * *

Sauron had snuck away from his army and had dived into the lake. He wasn't called the Necromancer for nothing.

* * *

Tauriel and Kili had somehow snuck away from everyone else and were now on their way back to the Woodland Realm for some privacy when they saw a dark shadow dive into the lake.

"What was that?" Kili asked from Tauriel's back, since she was giving him a piggy back ride.

"I do not know," she replied obscurely. Before either of them could think of what was indeed at the bottom of the Lake, it came bursting forth from the water, fully scaled and fire-breathing.

"I'm baacck!" he hissed in two voices that were fundamentally the same, and flew off toward the mountain.

"We must return and warn them!" Kili said, leaping off of Tauriel's back.

"Why? What do we owe them?" Tauriel said bitterly.

"That's my kingdom! Why did I ever agree to leave with you?"

Tauriel gave him the look she gave Legolas when he'd realized he'd been manipulated into following her. "Because I've got that kind of charm." Kili wasn't amused. "Ok fine we can go back. Quick, find me a butterfly! We need to get the eagles, or else we'll never get there in time."

"Haven't we used them a lot?" Kili asked as he grabbed one that was conveniently sitting on a bush next to him.

"I'm actually trying to keep to the book, and I'm not even in it! So shut up and give me the damn insect!"


End file.
